6: Booty

Sky blue liquid gushed on down, a “SHHHPPPEH SHHHPPPEH SHHHPPPEH” sound gushing, too. The sun scorched the tan, plasticky-wood deck, a hundred feet from the ground. It created a tiny crescent shadow near the fenced edge, just enough for a foot and a some (hot!) toes.

The waterpark lifeguard asked if we were having a great day (indeed we were; no explosive diarrhea today, no sir). He positioned the two-ringed yellow tube in the shallow pool, two feet from the bright blue plastic cave. We awkwardly squat and sat in our squishy vessel.

I made some mixed facial expressions to my buddy as we hovered near the gushing sound, cold water droplets dashing onto my sweaty shoulders.

With a nod, his friendly hand released us into the cylindrical water slide.

Ass backwards, we plunged into a thirty-five second infinity.

*

While the human brain is perhaps the most complex, dazzling feature of the universe as we (the brain) knows, I’d like to give appreciation to another (human) one. Despite its impressive computational and aesthetic--not to mention psychic, imaginative, and who-the-hell-knows-what-else is-lurking-up-there-(mutant?)--powers, we would be stuck in the trees with our ape ancestors without another, essential body part.

(If you’re guessing opposable thumbs, that’s a damn good guess.)

If you’re guessing the booty (aka butt, derriere, rump, badonkadonk, tush), you guessed right. (And we’d make a top-notch research team, no doubt.)

(More lovely ass-onyms:

-fanny

-damper

-buns

-tokus

-britches

-bum

-patootie

-fart box

-salt shaker

-money maker

…..)

*

Because muscle memory served me well, it astutely knew my body was headed into some uncertain tumble. (A tumble into uncertainty, if you will.) As dark navy blue and splotches of white replaced the bright daylight, gravity zipped us back toward the earth. We dropped into a sharp slope, sloshing across the slide’s sides.

The split second transition of sitting horizontally, and then legs angling up like a capsized King crab, was the instance of immediate, barely perceptible bodily detachment. By instinct, my ligaments tightened, if only a smidge; my wrist joints, the hairs on my neck, and the creases of my knees and elbows stiffened, if only microscopically. Visually, the scene zoomed out a hair, more third-party, more movie-like than before.

Because they sensed an ass-busting inside this hollow (chlorine-y) river tube, my cautious nerve systems notched up the adrenaline autopilot and placed my mind in the passenger.

Brain swapped control to booty. (Truly, my ass led the way.)

*

The butt is curiosity cupped into flesh.

As children, we first learn through sensory, physical exploration--and our soft tushes let us do so with less fear. It sits atop our legs, always ready to protect our spines and prevent unrecoverable damage. As we get older, it continues its protective duties as we go into the world and risk ourselves so we might evolve. (To be precise, smarter, stronger, and/or more-Instagram-famous are the options nowadays.)

It’s the perfect collector of bruises and scrapes (and other unnamed miscellanea). This year alone, mine has witnessed a decent amount of busting (as(s) has yours, I'm sure):

• bombardments by stones in a shallow creek on a tiny raft;
• peelings from asphalt via bike crashes;
• fits of twerking from long, brutal nights on the dance floor (OK that's a lie, it can't twerk worth shit.)

As we bounce and bop around our often chaotic lives, it’s always got our back.

And, thankfully, mine is ready for another, (hopefully non-violent) bumping. In ten days I leave for Korea, and my derrière will guide me through my cultural transition (not to mention the long plane trips!). To detach myself from my current space and consequent identities requires a dose of adrenaline, a quick lunge down the wet tunnel.

My brain has already begun preparing for goodbye. For several weeks I’ve felt the shift. My emotional connections with others have slightly sagged. Immense feelings of departure arrive and quickly flutter away. The body--the bum--has taken greater charge, gradually letting it all go. And instead of ripping off a bandaid, my nerve systems prefer to lightly dampen the spot and gently reveal brand new (perhaps more Korean-y?) skin.

As the goodbyes have commenced--goodbye friends, goodbye family, goodbye home--my feelings of sadness have, ever so faintly, faded into some safe back pocket in my brain.

If I moved away and my head and my heart were still fully here, what would be the point?

*

My neck whipped left, whipped left again, and whipped back right (Dear Chiropractor, I’m sorry). Our trusty tube made a few final scratching noises against the sidewalls. Daylight struck us and we each floundered into the bubbling chaos.

Smiles all around.

July 30, 2016